[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
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I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?