“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.