men are simple creatures
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Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
When I laugh on my period
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
blocked.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
How I like cutting carbs
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.