I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?