Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
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Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?