Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
the three branches of government
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long