If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
You Might Also Like
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.