Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.