9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
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[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.