Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want