I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
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[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
A couple who are silly together stay together.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”