I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
So, can we agree on 4 or
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.