Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.