I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
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lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.