I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?