me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
They must have gotten it to go.
Cool shirt 🙂
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL