Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Morning.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[eats all your cotton candy]
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.