Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
S/o to @funTweeters .
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!