I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
You Might Also Like
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Don’t tell me what to do
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.