Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
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[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”