Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
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If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE