decorating my apartment
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Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Just had my nails done!
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.