Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
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The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
The internet is magic sometimes.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
me working on my assignments ^-^
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.