They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
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Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Every work meeting this week
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
pizza
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring