Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
this could fix me
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing