“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.