This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If only
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.