Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.