omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
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me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road