Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?