Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.