*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.