big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*