She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
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[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
sleeping beauty
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*