*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
felt that
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming