*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.