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Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”