Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
You Might Also Like
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.