Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
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da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”