If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
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Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire