Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
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I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
😅😅😅
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
bought wrong eggs
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day