Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Please do it!
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation