So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Not my job 😂
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note