The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
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If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
If only.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.