I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
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*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
how it started vs how it ended
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
my favorite genre of twitter
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.