“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn