Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
the dark web is just a goth google.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Bless you
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say