“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
You Might Also Like
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I’m listening
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”