ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Sing it!
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…