“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.